klculbre-mu+3.1INF+rough+draf

Kelly Culbreth English Comp 110.50 3.1 Informative Essay October 30, 2008 ONLINE TEEN COMMUNITIES: IS IT REALLY SAFE OUT THERE? 14 year old Keri is new to her town, doesn’t know anyone in her new school and is missing her old friends. She decides to go to her room one Friday night and get on her computer to   reconnect with the friends she has left behind. She logs onto her favorite site espin and views her profile to see if anyone she knows posted any new messages on her wall. After reading her messages and posting new blogs she decides to update her profile since she has moved to a   new town. Unknowingly, she posts where she moved to, in hopes that maybe a fellow student may welcome her, opening the black hole to which a predator is now able to find her. Even though this is a fictional situation it is an   all too common scenario these days, even though teens are educated on the dangers of online social networking. It’s the to do in socializing now. There are thousands of online chat rooms out there claiming that they have the safest network and provide tips on how to avoid online predators. There is one site in particular that caught my attention when surfing the web for online communities, espin. Using teen chat rooms as my search engine I was lead to several websites that all had one thing in common, links to online safety. There were several articles on how to avoid being a target for pedophiles, avoiding online stalkers, and online bullies. These articles gave great advice. For example, several listed the same main points. Never give out personal information, no   addresses, use false names or handles, no school information, no team information, and no    school colors. There even was a site “Wiredpatrol.org” that contains a link to cyber 911 which has online police officers to help report stalkers or bullies. The atmosphere created by these web sites is to make these teens feel safe and protected against anything ever happening to   them. These “safety” sites offer links to free and safe chat rooms for teens and young adults to   connect and make new friends. One site that was spoken earlier that was offered was espin. Espin is part of ecrush.com owned by Hearst magazines. Espin launched in 2001 and now has over one million current active users. It promotes safety and provides links to its term and conditions along with safety reminders, although looks can be deceiving. On the home page it offers you a chance to start a   profile and get involved in the spin the bottle game and offers teens a way to meet other teens of the opposite sex. One of the first bright captions you see is the advertising of flirting on the home page. This seemed like a pretty harmless site for the average teen to be on. According to   a survey that was done by USA today, this was an up and coming site for teens. Espin offered links to further chat areas that offered teen online dating services. While following this link I   was lead to a website called “Naughty or Nice” a site that was far to x-rated for children 18 years of age or younger. The picture on the home page was that of a younger girl, possibly 20’s, laying half nude on her bed wanting to chat. This was clearly far from its original guarantee of   safe and appropriate. This is where the danger occurs, statistically over 93% of teens use the internet. Another survey by Pew Internet and American Life Project, showed that most of these teens online are there for sexual experimentation and to meet new friends. This alarming statistic tells parents right there that these teens have a very good chance of being targeted. 72% of teens surveyed said that they are on these sites to make new plans with their friends which is putting that personal information out there for others to see. Teens do have the option of making their profiles private, which they control who sees their profile and is able to   be involved in conversation, or to be public which allows anyone in the world to view their conversations, photos, personal information, and schools. 77% of teens admit to allowing the public to view their profiles. The scariest is yet to come, over 81% of parents and 79% of teens agree that kids are not as careful as they should be and 62% of teens say that kids are doing things online that they would not want their parents to see. Parents do have tools available to help track what sites their teens visit and the content that their child is putting on these sites. Filters can be put place to block unwanted sites or certain content to be allowed under picked users. The problem is that these filters tend to be used only by parents who themselves are frequent users of the internet and have middle school aged children. Parents who have older children and parents who tend to be less tech savvy are less likely to use the filters. Why those with the older children feel they don’t need to monitor the content to which their kids are viewing and putting out there is not understood completely by   me. Nor is the fact that just because a parent doesn’t frequent the internet does that give a   valid reason as why they can’t monitor the use of their teen I also do not understand especially due to the fact that there are so many news reports on now about pedophiles that target young teens on these chat rooms and arrange meeting fully intending to have sexual relations with them. A good example of such shows is the well known broadcast of Dateline NBC’s investigation with Chris Hansens “To Catch a Predator”. This show has a team of people who pretend to be teens chatting in these rooms like espin, and set up plans with people who turn out to be men over the age of 18 and think they are about to meet with a 13 or 14 year old female. There is a hidden camera inside these homes and Chris Hansen is waiting inside to   question these individuals on why they are there. Meanwhile, local police are waiting for these men to come out of the house and arrest them. I remember in one case there was a gentleman who spoke of sexual acts that entailed dangerous acts using rope and duct tape and when arrested police searched his vehicle and found said items in the trunk of his vehicle. Near the end of the survey that previously mentioned there was one piece of information that was alarming to me. With all the publicity these online networks have received as far as the bad goes, overall most parents believe that the internet is a good thing for their children. With most teens admitting to posting photos or speaking with people online that they would not want their parents to know about, it may be quite possible that parents need to better censor or investigate just what is being made available to teens and how they socialize. What ever happened to meeting up at the football game and having sleepovers or talking on the phone till 2 am?

 Matt VanLenten's feedback for Kelly Culbreth's 3.1INF:

Online communities and the dangers of them. Espin being the main topic The introduction starts off with a hypothetical story dealing with the topic. The body has each of its own parts with how the writer selected its topic, and more in depth about the dangers. The conclusion sums it all up with a solution to the problem. It was logical in the way that the writer collected the information pertaining to the topic. The paper stayed with the topic the whole time talking about the dangers of online communities. The introduction was a great way to pull the readers in with an example of this problem. Not just with teens but bringing the parents into the discussion brought the reader to maybe discovering the main reason behind the problem. This is tough to answer because i feel that there is not much more that could be imporved upon. Maybe add to the conclusion with the summing up of the body's points. It did catch my attention because it made me want to read more about what happened and that led to the rest of the paper.
 * What is the thesis?
 * How is the essay organized?
 * Was the organization logical?
 * Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?
 * What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?
 * What two places could use more development?
 * Did the introduction catch your attention?

 Krystal Murphy's Review of Kelly's Paper
 * **What is the thesis?** The topic deals with the online communities not always seeming to be as safe as advertising, such as espin in particular.
 * **How is the essay organized?** The organization was very logical. It was easy to follow, and great information supported the details.
 * **Was the organization logical?** Yes.
 * **Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?** Every part seemed relevant. There wasn’t any excess information,
 * **What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?** The ad 'naughty or nice' was a very convincing part in proving the paper, because it didn’t follow the so called safety precautions the website seemed to offer.
 * **What two places could use more development?** Everything looked pretty good. The only thing I guess I could suggest would to work on the conclusion a little.
 * **Did the introduction catch your attention?** Yes, right off the bat I wanted to read it because of the story.

Jennifer Henderson's Review on Kelly's Paper:


 * What is the thesis? It is about Online Communities and the dangers of stalkers, etc. **
 * How is the essay organized? The paper was organized very well with each point in the right place. **
 * Was the organization logical? Yes **
 * Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? I do not feel that any point wasw irrelevant. I think that the writer did an excellent job sticking to the point. **
 * What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? I love in just paragraph twp how she talked about the sites where she found helpful tips and ways to help prevent stalkers and such. Also, her point(s) about Espin were great. **
 * What two places could use more development? I really did not feel that there were any areas that needed to be worked on really. **
 * Did the introduction catch your attention? Yes it did, the attention grabber came in the first two sentences.

** Joshua Bennett's feedback for Kelly Culbreth's 3.1INF: >
 * **What is the thesis?** Kelly's thesis is that despite advertisements of safety, many teens are unprotected because of a lack of consciousness about online chatting and profiles.
 * **How is the essay organized?** The essay begins with a sample of how easy it is for a child to be in danger, then works on leading the reader through Kelly's path of discovering the truth about how vulnerable these sorts of sites are. It then discusses some of the preventative measures a parent can take before ending by asking the readers to not be complacent about the topic.
 * **Was the organization logical?** I think the flow of the essay is logical. I'm not sure it is the best possible presentation, especially towards the end. The last two paragraphs could be worked to build into the ending a bit more smoothly.
 * **Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?** The paper stayed on point well. The only point that felt excessive was the clump of statistics towards the middle of the paper. They are all excellent and important bits of data for the paper, but given the lack of depth on a topic allowed in 4 pages, I'm not sure you need so many examples to establish a factual basis for the claim, since they aren't going to be discussed thoroughly.
 * **What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?** I think the most convincing sections were the ones about what parents could be doing, but aren't. I think we are all somewhat accepting that teenagers will do risky and stupid things, Internet or not. Discussing how irresponsible adults can be on this touches the deepest.
 * **What two places could use more development?** The ending most certainly could use a bit of strengthening. I also think the third and fourth paragraphs are a bit too dense compared to the rest of the paper. They could be divided up a bit to make the essay a bit easier to digest.
 * **Did the introduction catch your attention?** No, but I'll caveat that with saying I see that as more me than Kelly. I think it is a catchy opening, but I don't like to be frightened into reading an essay. I would consider changing it to a real story (or clarifying that it is one) to give it more of a feel or reporting events.