Team1+-+Peer+Review+for+Team2


 * Peer Review Results:

1. What is the thesis?** Type out the thesis you find in the paper in your own words; it will help you see whether the writer's main insight is made sufficiently clear.

The thesis of this paper is since on-campus students have access to high speed Internet and are outside of a family setting, they may choose to spend their free time playing online games, but they need to learn responsible gaming habits. - Melissa  The essay is very informative and describes how it will use an on-line survey to determine college student’s on-line gaming activities and explains different games and their possible negative lifestyle effects. It is easy to follow and flows well from one paragraph to the next. There are a few areas that need some work. More elaboration and clearer writing is needed, especially in the first, second and final paragraphs. Once the survey is completed, a chart or a picture of the survey would be helpful. - Jill
 * 2. How is the essay organized?** Describe in three or four sentences how the essay is organized. This will help you determine if the structure was clear.
 * 3. Was the organization logical?** Was this the best way the writer could present their information?

The order in the paper maintains good separation as in each part only has facts pertinent to that part. I could not identify a strong thesis so it was hard to watch for a logical flow as it relates to the thesis. - Tim The writing is logical with plenty of background information. - Jill


 * 4. Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?** As a reader did you pause to wonder how a statement or paragraph was related to the thesis?

It seems the thesis is still a working idea pending the survey results so this is hard to answer. All the information pertained to the general idea of online gaming and also to what kind of impact it has on students lives. - Tim


 * 5. What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?** Did the essay engage your emotions and appeal to your experiences in appropriate ways?

The most convincing part of the essay was the use of many topics. The paper talked about online gambling as well as other types of online games, not just one specific game. I would have liked to see the results of the survey, not just an explaination of the format. - Andrew


 * 6**. **What two places could use more development?**

I would like to see a stronger conclusion. More information on students going into debt. Also Myspace and Facebook also have online gaming on their websites, which target college students.-Jen

I think that the thesis and the transitions between topics/paragraphs need to be more developed. Also, the organization of the paper is confusing. It starts off by talking about games, then how people are affected by games, then gambling, and finally how people are affected my gambling. It seems like the "how people are affected by online games" should be put together in one paragraph. - Andrew


 * 7. Did the introduction catch your attention?**

Yes, they created a survey that was sent out to Millersville students through their Myville account. They also stated clearly what the paper was about. I would elaborate more on giving advice to the students in their essay.-Jen

The introduction did catch my attention because I wanted to learn more about the research being conducted, but I thought the introduction could have started off with more background about the topic. It kind of just jumped right in and started talking about the research. It was interesting because although I live on campus, I do not play online games so it was good to see examples of how other students participate in online gaming. - Melissa

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