cs3.1INF+rough+draft

= caitlin shahbazi's rough draft = Caitlin Shahbazi Instructor: Dr. Archibald English 110.50A  October 29, 2008 Going on the internet has become a huge part of everyday life.I would start with something a little bit more interesting to catch the reader's attention. Everyone knows it has become a huge part of everyday life, like you say in the next sentence. Many people know that it is a part of everyday life. It has come to the point that you do not have to buy newspapers or magazines because the entire context is on the internet already. People can find whatever they want on the internet. There are political websites to help voters choose who to vote for, websites on how to do things like exercise, take care of children, or cook. To learn how to do things there are these online journals called blogs i think here you should be less informal, say blog are online journals. .    Depending on the blog, people could talk about their daily lives or help people learn information about cars, televisions, or anything they desire. Blogs can be very helpful with every day life; however, there can be a bad side to them. what are the bad sides?

A video that is on YouTube has people describing what blogs are.I would rephrase this sentence (1st) it is a bit confusing. They state that they are online journals that people can go on to express themselves; to tell personal information and share how to do things"." Start a new sentence. It was a run on. N o one really states what blogs do or how they can affect people’s lives. Are they positive or negative? According to WiseGeek.com <span style="COLOR: rgb(26,203,38)">What kind of website is this? What does it tell us? most people have heard of blogs before. They state that blogs are becoming increasingly popular and extremely personal. Blogs have been around since 1992 but did not become popular until the millennium. These blogs are used for anything and anyone that wants to share. They<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"> <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">who are they? ramble on about their children, their job, or their favorite sports teams. In the recent election, politics have created blogs and other organizations that want their opinions about the candidates to be heard. Celebrities have created their own blogs so people can stay connect to their favorite stars. Blogs are available on any website or on any topic, so they are predicted to keep growing in popularity.<span style="COLOR: rgb(184,40,157)">i<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"> think that you should use this paragraph before you say "there are these things called blogs...." after "take care of children, or cook..." use this paragraph to move on to discussing what blogs are and how they are used. the order is off if you mention blogs and then describe what they are.

According to InnovationCreators.com, <span style="COLOR: rgb(184,40,157)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">when refering to a website, use the title of the website or the author, not the acutal .com site blogs cannot really be considered dangerous. They state that blogs could make things more efficient, the same with Blackberries or other phone<span style="COLOR: rgb(26,203,38)">s. Companies feel that employees could post something in their blog that could make the company look bad. They may post wrong or private information. People have been known to post information that could cause them to compromise their position at a company. <span style="COLOR: rgb(26,203,38)">This sentence is awkward. There needs to be more details. Any examples of companies that have experienced this?

Though people view blogs as being harmless, they can be quite dangerous to the users and writers. People put a lot of information person information, such as last names or work places. If read by the wrong person, it could cause many problems for the writer; stalkers could easily protect their identity to get information about the person they are obsessed with. <span style="COLOR: rgb(26,203,38)">Maybe you could add examples and more details here?

People have stopped relying on books and are relying on the internet for their information. Not only do they use these websites to get information but people use them to make friends or just to have people to talk to. People take advantage of people’s vulnerability and use these sites to attack their “friends” on the blog. If used the right way then blogs can be a safe and enjoyable past time.<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(184,40,157)">h<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">ere you say that blogs are good and bad in the same paragraph which is confusing. i know that you are trying to aviod stating you opinion here, but it just makes your paper confusing. maybe for your conculsion you should write about freedom of speech, or prohibition of blogs or maybe go to someone's blog and talk to them about blogs and then in your conculsion write about that experience. this is an informative paper, so inform from all aspects (including blog writers) back to caitlinshahbazi_3INF

Laura Zavresa's feedback for Caitlin Shahbazi 3INF • What is the thesis? Blogs can be helpful for everyday life, but they can also be harmful, depending on how one uses them.

• How is the essay organized? It starts with the intro, and then it goes on to explain what blogs are exactly, and how they are good. Next, it shows the negative effects of blogs. Last, there is the conclusion.

• Was the organization logical? For the most part, once I scrutinized it a little. It was a little confusing going from paragraph to paragraph. There were no transitions, so I didn't really know where it was going.

• Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? No, the thesis was very relevant to the paper. It is a good thesis.

• What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? There were very little examples. I think the more examples then the paper will gain credibility.

• What two places could use more development? The last two body paragraphs. There needs to be more explanation, details and examples.

• Did the introduction catch your attention? No, it contained well known information. I would start with something that people do NOT KNOW about blogs. i'm not sure what this could be so maybe a little research will need to be done. <span style="COLOR: rgb(81,200,104)">Catilin, I think you paper will be great for the final draft! I think you may need to add detail in most of your paragraphs to catch and hold the reader's attention. Examples are key too. Do you have examples of celebrities that have their own blog? What do they write about? Why can't blogs be considered dangerous? There is alot more to think of! Also, the website that you stated, go into a little more detail about those. What gives them credibility? Why are they important? I think you have a great start to this paper! GOOD LUCK! - Laura


 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **What is the thesis?** Blogs can be very helpful with everyday life; however, there can be a bad side to them.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **How is the essay organized? It starts with the introduction and gives a little understanding of what she is going to talk about, body paragraph one states what a blog is and what are the good things about them, the second paragraph states that blogs also have negative effects, then there is a conclusion.**
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Was the organization logical?** There was logic to the organization of it, Very good but try to use transitions so you do not just go from one topic to the next.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?** Yes very good thesis!
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?** For an Informative essay you may want to add some more examples in because the more examples the more knowledge someone can gain from your paper.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **What two places could use more development?** Which places in the text need more evidence, examples, explanation.For the two body paragraphs you may want to add some more detail and supporting information for your topic. <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Did the introduction catch your attention?** Your first sentence is not to very eye catching. Your first two sentences are very short and almost the exact same.

<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">Andrew Wentzel's feedback for Catilin Shahbazi > >  >  >
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman',Times,serif">**What is the thesis?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)"><span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">Blogs are online journals that may help or harm other internet users
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **How is the essay organized?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">There is a clear introduction, but then it skips around from why blogs are good to why they are bad and then back to why they are good.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Was the organization logical?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">If you connect the reasons why blogs are good/bad, the organization would be good.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Were any parts not relevant to the thesis?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">No
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **What examples and types of evidence were most convincing?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">The references to websites were somewhat convincing, if you would explain what the websites were and how they are credible it would be more convincing.
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **What two places could use more development?** t<span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">he conclusion and the body where she discusses how blogs are bad  <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
 * <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> **Did the introduction catch your attention?** <span style="COLOR: rgb(16,66,198)">Somewhat, I like Laura's suggestion to revise because the first two sentences aren't important.

<span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"> Ryan Albright's feedback for Caitlin Shahbazi <span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
 * **What is the thesis?** The internet's popularity has led to the phenemon of blogs, which can be good and bad.
 * **How is the essay organized?** Author describes blogs. The auhtor has a nice introduction. Essay then goes into the good/bad of blogs.
 * **Was the organization logical?** I believe so. In the final draft, more work could be done to the conclusion.
 * ** Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? No. **
 * **What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? "Though people view blogs as being harmless...", I thought this was a very good point.**
 * **What two places could use more development?** The conclusion and the beginning of the intro.
 * **Did the introduction catch your attention?** Yeah.