shepherd_rough_draft_3INF

Rough Draft

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Sara Shepherd English 110.50A Dr. William Archibald October 29, 2008 = Friends: Why we seek them, how we make them and how to keep them. =

Friendship is defined by dictionary.com as, “A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." But what does that really mean? Why do we need friends and how do we find them? Most importantly, how do we keep the friends we find?

I recently asked my four children to tell me what makes a good friend. I was told that knowing that someone loves you and you love them back (from my six year old, Evelyn), being able to share secrets (from my nine year old, Gracie) and having things in common (from my fourteen year old, Steven) are all signs of a good friend. This follows the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy which states that there are three attributes to friendship; Mutual caring, Intimacy and Shared Activity.

Somewhere around seven years ago a dear friend and I parted ways over a disagreement. I was lonely and sought friendship. Having recently found out that I was pregnant with my fourth child, I started searching online for social support. Marla Paul writes, “Most women rely heavily on their friendships with other women to share their joy and see them through the rough spots.” She also remarks that, “finding close friends as an adult isn't easy.” Paul notes many times friends are lost the way mine was lost to me, through a disagreement, but sometimes the loss of a friend occurs subtly through life changes and busyness. "Sometimes you don't even realize what's missing. The only symptom of a friend shortage may be low-level doldrums, a shadowy malaise that you can't quite identify."

There are many health benefits to forming intimate friendships. The American Institute of Stress finds there are multiple confirmations that, “social and emotional support is a powerful stress buster that improves health and prolongs life.” They have found emotional support “boosts immune system function in AIDS and HIV-positive patients.” Even the victims of several types of cancers “live longer and have a better quality of life.” According to Beth Baker in her article, “Rx: Friendship” it is possible that having friends boost the immune system, causes sufferers of heart attacks to be more likely to survive, and reduce the likelihood of developing arthritis. She states, “Even chickens — not typically thought of as having intimate relationships — may be programmed for social support. Studies of chickens injected with tumors found that cancerous growths were more likely to develop when the birds were with stranger chickens, rather than their usual companions."

In my search to relieve my doldrums over the loss of my friend, I stumbled across a link for the message boards at iVillage. iVillage is a community of people gathered under a mutual umbrella of support and information. I quickly found an expectant mothers message board for women who were due in April of 2002. There we posted about the joys and annoyances of being pregnant. We asked questions, shared fears of health and finances and dreams of ten little toes and down-soft hair. The April ’02 Expectant Club consisted of approximately 1500 members, some of whom posted more frequently than others. In time our babies were born and once again Marla Paul’s comments held true; many members drifted away subtly, now busy with the demands of a newborn baby. After about a year of being a play group, for various reasons a group of women (and one dad) broke away from the iVillage forum and created a new message board. I was among those who left and we called ourselves the April Exiles.

I wondered then why the fifty or so of us had managed to become closer friends with each other than the other thousand or so that had started out on the expectant club board. According to a WikiHow on how to make online friends, you should “become a regular serious poster” and “get into the topics” that are being talked about on the forum. Upon reflection, I believe that the sheer amount of posts we generated in the different topics – in other words, by becoming regular serious posters – caused the split between those who remained with iVillage and those who became an Exile.

Recently I revisited iVillage’s message boards. There is no longer an individual “home” for mothers of children born in April of 2002. Instead they have combined all play groups from the entire year of 2002 births to form a new play group. On that play group board there was a post for a “Fall Roll Call” in which thirteen people posted. If you consider that originally there would have been twelve months of babies born in 2002 and approximately 1500 mothers posting in each month, to have dropped in membership to a total of thirteen people is pretty amazing.

Among the Exiles, we have also had a decrease in membership over the years. Some people drifted away but most were either asked to leave or left by their own decision for various reasons. In a recent Ezine article, Brad Paul created a list of the “Rules of Friendship.” The remaining seventeen Exiles, while most likely are not aware of Paul’s list of rules, have managed to follow them nonetheless. By following this informal list, a dear and sweet friendship can develop. The following are real examples of how the Exiles have remained friends according to selected “Rules of Friendship.” I could list them all but we might end up reading for the next seven years.

“Remain equally loyal in good and bad times.” When Kerry first announced that she was trying to become pregnant again she shared with us some of her fertility issues. She and her husband struggled to become pregnant and the Exiles did their best to encourage her. Cards were mailed through the regular post office, phone calls were made and supportive posts were written and when she became pregnant with triplets we all rejoiced. She called Stacey from the recovery room when the babies were born and Stacey immediately posted the good news to the rest of us.

“Respect the person not the position, title, or assets.” Leslie is a successful immigration lawyer living in with her husband and two children in a beautiful home in Arizona. She holds a Juris Doctorate and is probably among the highest educated women on our board. However when you talk to Leslie she is not pretentious but instead very down to earth, a loving mother and a giving friend.

“Always do what you say you will do.” Quite a few years back we had a gathering in St. Louis. During the planning on the board, several people decided to share hotel rooms. However after arrival one lady found her roommate for the weekend did not have enough money to pay for her room or for her meals. This lady covered the expense with the trust that the other would follow through on her promise of repayment. The first lady never pestered for the money owed and even drastically reduced the total that had been the bill. Still it was never paid and after over a year, the debtor left the Exiles, I believe out of guilt.

“Never bad mouth a friend to others.” Following along with the last friendship rule, I do not believe the rest of the group was made aware of what exactly had happened during that outing. Since I am an administrator and a rather nosy one at that, I was told of the exchange but until this moment, it has never been gossiped about.

“Keep their secrets a secret. No exceptions!” When we first formed the Exile group we started a folder called the “Mom of the Month (MOTM).” In there we shared our life story to date and many times extremely intimate details were given. These intimate details have remained among the Exiles and have inspired trust amongst ourselves.

“Always be an optimist, never a naysayer.” Three years ago Flo’s husband quit his job as a dentist in a thriving practice. The two of them decided to open their own dental practice. Despite the risks of starting a personal business, the Exiles banded together to offer Flo and her husband good wishes and positive hopes for their future. Today their business is thriving and we enjoy hearing stories about the different and frequently odd side of owning a dental practice.

“Always value and appreciate your friends.” Just about once or twice a year someone will post a mushy post about the treasured friendships that we’ve formed on the Exiles. The post may have been inspired by something that was said or done by a fellow Exile or maybe just as a side effect of severe PMS but the agreeing replies are always swift and numerous.

“Always be grateful for your friends. Never take them for granted.” In a chat with Kate, I mentioned once that soon I would be ready to exchange being a full-time stay at home mom with a career but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. Not only did Kate help me focus my interest to medicine but she made a suggestion that changed my life. Kate’s recommendation was that I become a certified nursing assistant (CNA) to see if I would like the medical profession. I did as she suggested and found that not only do I love working with the elderly but also that it will be worth the effort to put myself through school to someday become a doctor. I will be grateful to Kate for that suggestion for the rest of my life, even if being a CNA is the highest level I reach.

“Never expect anything. Give what you want to receive first.” And “Help without expecting a return favor.” A few years ago Eff’s husband Les was diagnosed with a cancer that is nearly always terminal. After some research she found a hospital that specialized in the type of cancer that Les had contracted. However it was at least a day’s drive from their home and while he was unable to work, she also had to take lots of time away from her job to care for him. Stacey contacted the American Cancer Society who helped with their hotel stays and then she emailed all of the Exiles privately. We donated various amounts of money as we could afford and with that Stacey was able to help pay Eff’s mortgage. No one expected anything in return except that Eff would find comfort and assistance in our gesture of friendship.

“Take a stand in your friendships. Be who you are.” And “Do not try to change your friends. Accept them as they are.” The women of the Exiles board are varied in their religious beliefs. Leslie is Jewish, Reem is Muslim, several others are Catholic or Protestant, and the rest are either Agnostic or Atheist. Despite the differences we all respect and are interested in the beliefs and practices of our different religions, a topic which in other online forums can turn heated and upsetting very quickly.

“Strengthen your friendships by sharing fun, challenging, and intellectual experiences.” There was a time when a few of our members were reading the board but not posting responses. The lack of a reciprocal relationship brought up a discussion of why this was occurring. One woman who was especially guilty of not sharing her life and yet still reading our intimate discussions took offense and wrote that she felt we only ever spoke of grocery shopping and our cats puking. Flo posted this in response:

//“Funny, because when I think back to what we've been through, I don't remember the "my cat puked" or "I'm bored" posts. I remember the posts where Eff first shared her husband had cancer. I remember when Liz graduated nursing school. I remember when R shared her feelings about Max's health issues. I remember when Armella felt close enough with us to share some of her past experiences that she hasn't told many people. I remember the support we've given Michele and her concerns with Lauren. I remember all the support we've given each other over the years. Yes, we have jokes in our posts. Yes, we post mundane posts. But there is so much more to us than those posts. We have developed true friendships. If you weren't able to do that, that says something about you. Not us.”//

The offended woman then chose to remove herself from the Exiles.

“Maintain your friendships with periodic quality communication by email, phone, and in-person." Even though we are spread across the country, most of us have managed to meet each other. A few have met all the Exiles except for Reem, who lives in Egypt. They speak on the phone so frequently Stacey jokingly calls R her personal assistant. I haven’t asked but I’d be willing to bet most of us have each other listed in our contacts for both email and cell phones.

Personally I would add one more “rule” of import. Be quick to forgive. There was a time when Stacey and I would chat in the morning over coffee while our children got ready for school. One morning I signed on and Stacey asked me what I was doing at home. I was baffled until she reminded me that R had flown into Philadelphia and was staying in King of Prussia for a work conference. She was flying back home that morning but we had agreed to meet for breakfast. I had completely forgotten. Not only did R forgive me for my slip of the brain but the next time she was in town, she trusted me enough to agree once more to have breakfast with me.

Some of the examples were lighter and intended to be humorous, some were heavier and meant to be taken seriously but all are indicative of a deep and abiding friendship that we all share. In a recent article for __The Guardian__, James_Randerson states that researchers do not believe it is possible to make “genuine close friends” online. He says, “The researchers believe that face to face contact is nearly always necessary to form truly close friendships.” I believe that by searching for common interests, by showing that you care for another person and by staying in close contact it is possible to form friendships in any medium, whether it is online or in real life. By being a good friend you will keep your good friends and in doing so you might even end up prolonging your life.

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** Jill Glick's feedback for Sara Shepard’s 3.1INF: **  >
 * ** What is the thesis? ** Type out the thesis you find in the paper in your own words; it will help you see whether the writer's main insight is made sufficiently clear. **The thesis is about friendships, how to make them and how to keep them. **
 * ** How is the essay organized? ** Describe in three or four sentences how the essay is organized. This will help you determine if the structure was clear. ** The essay was very well written and a joy to read! It flowed smoothly from one paragraph to the next. The choice of quoted material which then lead into the list of friendship qualities was clear and concise. **
 * ** Was the organization logical? ** Was this the best way the writer could present their information? **The writing is very logical and I don’t see any need for revision. I believe that Sara could hand in the paper today as is and get an excellent grade! **
 * ** Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? ** As a reader did you pause to wonder how a statement or paragraph was related to the thesis? ** I feel that all that was written is relevant to the thesis. **
 * ** What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? ** Did the essay engage your emotions and appeal to your experiences in appropriate ways? **I found the “informal list” of being a good friend very informative and engaging. We can relate to the different personalities which Sara touched on. **
 * ** What two places could use more development? ** Which places in the text need more evidence, examples, explanation. ** The only thing that I wasn’t sure about was the term “play group” - defining this word would be helpful. **
 * ** Did the introduction catch your attention? ** The writer was probably writing about a topic that already interests them, so did they communicate that interest to you? ** The introduction did catch my attention and to be totally honest, when I first saw how long it was, I was dreading having to read it and give a peer review but that quickly changed!! I was done and didn’t even realize the length. Excellent Job!! **